The Baby and the Dollar

Subject: final edit from a conversation I had with Rabbi about raising kids - notes from Chunah Silverman
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2012 15:06:01 -0400 

Rabbi learned an important lesson from the Rebbe about how to interact with kids. The Rebbe would give dollars, even to kids, and the babies would take time, you know, getting the dollar.  The parent, though concerned for saving the Rebbe time, was never allowed to take the dollar for them.  Instead, regardless of how much time they took of the Rebbe, the Rebbe would make sure the child or baby would take the dollar themself.  Rabbi himself, had this problem, and the Rebbe didn't let him take the dollar. He wanted the child to take it.

Another little story;

Rabbi's daughter was becoming Bat Mitzvah, and he wrote a letter to the Rebbe as such.  But no response came.

So Rabbi wondered about this, and thought to tell his daughter to write, and she did, and she got a response.

The message is so powerful.  The Rebbe wanted every child to have their own siddur, their own bookcase, their seforim, their things, their space.

They even printed a little siddur, 'siduri', 'my siddur', 'siddur sheli'.  Why?

Because that is the only way to really raise children.  If you want them to behave, you have to let them know that they count, that their life is meaningful and why is it so important? They are just little kids, don't adults run the world? The answer is because they have a direct connection to Gd.  Not through us, and not for us, does their behavior count, but for Hashem.  And they're intelligent, not in a very sophisticated way, but they're intelligent.  


Their sense of respect, and of good and bad, or destruction, they sense these things very easily. They abhore when things are destroyed and like it when things are nice in their room, ie., they feel self-respect.  They sense the reality of these things.  That's because they have this connection to Gd.  Their perceptions are soul perceptions and as adults, we have to go through the muck to reconnect, but we had it there for the observing as a child.  And so they have it, and we have to help them live it.  Not for us, but for them, and Hashem.   

There is another situation here. There's a kids room. The toys are everywhere. "Clean up your room!", sends the message of one thing, "I can't stand the mess." It's the wrong message.  When you say, "clean up your room", it's telling them what you want, but that then is done for you.  "Let's together clean up the room".  That's the right message. The message there is, "The child also should appreciate a clean room." That's better.  Chuna asked, "Why does #2 (clean up your room?!) send the message of 'I can't stand the mess', but the other option (let's together clean up your room) tell the child to appreciate the cleanliness?" 

Answered Rabbi, "let's clean up your room together, sends the message of you should also appreciate a clean room."

"How?" 

"Well," said Rabbi, "There's different ways to say it, but how about this, "Let me help you clean up your room." 

"Ah, got it."

There was a parent a while back that Rabbi was talking to, and she said that she told her daughter, "If you do this, you'll make mommy so happy." That's not the message of 'love your own life'. It's 'do this for mommy'.  That's not the way we want to educate our kids, doing everything they do for the parent.  Do you want your kid to live for you?  If they only value their own life to make you happy, what's that about?

When we 'educate' our kids, we need to instill in them the value of their own lives. They should have a sense of their relationship to this world, their lot in it, their relationship to Gd. 

This is not just a methodology, a trick, this is an aspect of the parent's attitude- true attitude- towards their children.  Not just a trick. It's got to be real.  You have to respect your children, really and not just act 'as if' you respect them.

If you respect your kids- not in a 'kavod' way, but by seeing that they actually have a shlichus, they're Hashem's children, and give them the benefit of the doubt that with many things, they really know what they're doing, they relate, and can relate, to the Truth.  Then you'll be able to relate to them in a proper way.  That's the respect needed.